How Human of Me

Yesterday I posted a "putting my insides out" sort of post on my social media channels and to my email list. It was the kind of content that allows the world to see your messy side. After I posted it, I texted Rachel and our business/marketing coach that I had officially joined barf club and hoped that I hadn't screwed up our entire marketing plan for Help! For the HELPers, but if I had, I didn't care because I needed to speak my truth.

I got a number of responses like, "I'm here for you if you ever want to talk," "Are you ok? I saw your post," "Sending you love."

Those responses were sweet, kind, and the acknowledgment was appreciated. But my favorite responses were, "Powerful! Thank you for sharing!" "Truth!" and "...[Y]our words are mine."

When I post something vulnerable like this, when I share the hard and unpleasant and less palatable parts of my life, I don't do it for sympathy. It is not a cry for help. Honestly, I don't even need a reminder of how loved I am (I know and am deeply grateful for the love in my life, though it is always appropriate to tell someone you love them). Nor is it a bitch-fest inviting a dialogue of commiserating. I'm not even looking for a solution- I acknowledge and believe that there is no quick fix to heal deeply rooted conditioning or big emotions.

Am I unraveling? Sure, I suppose I am sometimes, simultaneously with my unlearning. But it does not mean that I am broken.

I share things like this for a few reasons:

1. Because we need more REALNESS in our world. Because I believe we need to expose the unrealistic expectations that most of us are trying to live up to, and in the process, we lose ourselves.

2. Because when I'm truthful, open and honest, I can breathe. When I am trying to be strong and solutions-focused for everyone, keep it together and look good doing it, the pressure begins to suffocate me. No one ever asked me to do this explicitly- this is the conditioning I referred to in my post as a woman in this world, paired with my innate personality and superpowers for empathy and helping others. As a HELPer, this is part of my self-care and boundary work.

3. Writing is one of my best outlets for processing. Which is why I'm setting an intention of posting more on this blog so you can "opt in" if you are someone who also values truth, honesty, vulnerability, and the process of unlearning impossible standards.

We go around asking each other, "How are you?" "Fine/good/alright, how are you?" And these opportunities for realness and true connection pass us by.

So, for those of you worried about me unraveling, I give you permission to let those worries go.

In response to being asked, "How are you?" I respond to you with this:

I am grateful for my life, family, friends, and a stable job with a paycheck and benefits.

I am enjoying the sunshine and seeing the mountains daily and exploring a new city.

I am full of love for the people in my life.

I am trying to create more space in my life for down time, creativity, reading, and rest.

I am homesick for familiar people, places, and routines.

I am tired from 4 years of being in a constant state of transition.

I have mixed feelings if I want to stay in schools or resume private practice and health coaching after this school year.

I am frustrated by the lack of time I feel like I have now that I'm out of the house 50ish hours/week.

I am dealing with the start of Seasonal Affective Depression, especially from daylight savings time (can we please stop this already?!) and it being dark out when I leave for work and when I get home.

I am empowered, motivated, angered and fired up to keep unlearning so many societal norms and implicit biases in our country.

I am still experiencing grief daily from the losses in my life, as well as gratitude for what I have.

And, I am alive and human.

Love,

Alyson